contrary to what i wrote yesterday, I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't have to know the truth. I should have just believe in the reality that I knew, in a bubble of reality I created - I wish I didn't burst that bubble and know the real story, because right now by confirming my fear -- it is getting the best of me. I want to run away and face danger.

yesterday i said that I accept the truth with grace and calmness despite the inevitable pain. i didn't say anything. i didn't voice out what i knew. i forgive him. and i forgive myself.